SEC Power Rankings: Even Great Players Can Have Terrible Nicknames

As promised, I’ve shaken up the ol’ SEC Power Rankings this week. They were due for a reconfiguration, mainly because my previous rankings were just wack.

Something to note: I have Georgia rated higher than South Carolina, and LSU higher than Florida. Yet I’m picking SC to beat the Bulldogs this weekend, and I’m picking UF to upend LSU. Why? Because the Gamecocks and Gators are the home teams. Flip the sites, and I flip my picks. That’s how close I believe those teams are.

But enough analysis. Let’s get on with the silliness.

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Team (Pvs): Comment

1. Alabama (1): Nick Saban has no use for your fancy “no-huddle” offenses and “hurry-up” techniques. To paraphrase the French at Castle Auuggh, you can not out-clever Saban and his defense with your silly knees-bent running-about advancing behavior!

2. Georgia (3): Running backs Todd Gurley and Keith Marshall have made for a very potent combo, rushing for a total of 964 yards and 14 touchdowns. And apparently they have a combo nickname: “Gurshall.” That is terrible, worse even than “Branjelina,” which is saying something. Also, Brad Pitt has a brother named Doug. Doug Pitt. Yep. (Seems like a cool dude.)

3. LSU (2): Whoa, hey, is the Honey Badger (great nickname) really going to possibly return to play for LSU next season maybe? Oh, maybe not. Dang you, Les Miles, you tease.

4. South Carolina (4): ESPN’s College GameDay will be in Columbia for the big game with Georgia, and if Lee Corso picks the Gamecocks to win, then of course he’ll have to wear the mascot’s head, and all of you dirty minded individuals will guffaw. (If you didn’t get that, then I commend you on your moral fiber.)

5. Florida (6): Gators end/linebacker Lerentee McCray is trying to bait the Tigers with some strong talk, and perhaps his use of double-negatives is meant to confuse Miles. Ha, as if anyone could mangle the English language so deftly.

6. Mississippi State (5): Yeah, so I swapped the Gators and Bulldogs this week. Body of work, all that stuff. I mean, just look at MSU’s schedule so far.

7. Texas A&M (11): Freshman quarterback Johnny Manziel has earned the nickname “Johnny Football,” which is just soooo original. I applaud Jason Kirk of SBNation for trying out some additional nicknames. I’ve got one: “Johnny Ain’t Done Squat Against a Real SEC Defense.”

8. Tennessee (7): Tennessee’s defense – which gave up 560 yards to Georgia last week – is causing defensive coordinator Sal Sunseri to age rapidlyDerek Dooley‘s solution: hair coloring.

9. Missouri (8): Remember last week when I said (sarcastically) that freshman receiver Dorial Green-Beckham was a bust? Well, he did get busted today. For allegedly having the wacky terbaccy on his person. Hey, give the kid credit for knowing what it takes to be a star skill position player in the SEC.

10. Auburn (10): Former Auburn coach Pat Dye, who is clearly insane, said he wouldn’t trade Gene Chizik for 10 Sabans.” On a related note, Dye’s ancestors went broke in 1823 after trading 100 fresh beaver pelts for a dozen cases of “Fur in a Can.”

11. Ole Miss (9): Wait, I figured Hugh Freeze would be all about the moral victories?

12. Arkansas (12): Well, now we know coach John L. Smith is actually $40.7 million in debt, instead of a measly ol’ $25 million. You’ve got to try really hard to lose that much money, unless you’re the Joker. “Everything burns.” Indeed, John L., indeed.

13. Vanderbilt (13): Hey, it’s James Franklin vs. James Franklin this weekend. Which means every writer covering the game will have to use not only each man’s full name, but his title (coach/quarterback) on second reference and beyond. Or they could just call the Missouri QB “Jimmy Football.”

14. Kentucky (14): Speaking of Jokers and stuff burning, Joker Phillips is burning redshirts left and right on his quarterbacks. One of those QBs is nicknamed “Patty Ice,” which is only slightly more lame than “Patty Football.”

I am the online content coordinator for DJournal.com. Previously at the Journal, I covered Mississippi State athletics (2008-13), high schools (2004-08), and was on the copy desk (2002-04). I'm working on a recipe for bacon-flavored coffee, which would solve all the world's problems.

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