SEC Power Rankings: Suplexes, Lee Corso in Jorts, and ‘Johnny Football’ is Gonna Die

Hey, y’all remember that time I dropped Alabama from my No. 1 spot and replaced it with South Carolina? NO, YOU DON’T ACTUALLY.

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Team (Pvs): Comment

1. Alabama (2): So apparently Nick Saban does not approve of his players using awesome wrestling moves (say, a suplex) on opposing running backs. C’mon, Nick, he was just giving us all a metaphor of Missouri’s introduction to the SEC. It was art!

2. Florida (3): ESPN’s College GameDay will be in Gainesville this weekend for the big game against South Carolina. If Lee Corso picks the Gators, I hope instead of donning the mascot’s head, he slips on some jorts. Or this.

3. LSU (4): Can the Tigers slow down “Johnny Football,” or will “Johnny Football” run wild at home? Can we all have a good cry that we don’t get to see him go up against the “Honey Badger?” Yes, yes we can.

4. South Carolina (1): Steve Spurrier‘s heading back to the Swamp, where he will face his polar opposite on the Coach Intensity Scale. Will Muschamp prepared for this game by getting only three hours of sleep all week – in the film room, with his eyes open so nobody would notice – while Spurrier turned in three pretty darn good rounds of golf.

5. Georgia (5): Looks like Jarvis Jones won’t play this week against Kentucky, and Joker Phillips thanks you, Mark Richt, for not employing your full arsenal on his ragged little outfit.

6. Mississippi State (6): MSU made this promotional video of Johnthan Banks, starring Johnthan Banks, and it got me to thinking: Do you know how great of an Ultimate Frisbee player he would be? He would make frat boys cry, and I think we all can get behind that.

7. Texas A&M (7): Hey, “Johnny Football” has put up some amazing, record-breaking numbers, but the only time this year that he’s faced a real defense (Florida), he was good, not great. Barkevious Mingo is hongry (not hungry, hongry) and has a taste for freshmen with stupid nicknames.

8. Tennessee (8): Tyler Bray kept the time-honored tradition of lashing out on Twitter at “bandwagon” fans after last week’s loss to MSU. Heck, what’s so wrong with bandwagon fans? Cheering for crappy teams is just self-flagellation. Find a team that makes you happy for goodness’ sake. Derek Dooley feeds off your pain, like the Dementor he really is.

9. Ole Miss (9): HUGH FREEZE WON AN SEC GAME GONNA MAKE IT RAIN AT APPLEBEE’S!!!!!

10. Arkansas (11): This amazing delicacy has nothing to do with Arkansas football, but the pic is courtesy of Arkansas beat writer Chris Bahn, who I hope will kidnap the chef and deliver him/her to my doorstep.

11. Vanderbilt (10): Vanderbilt? More like MANDERBILT.

12. Missouri (12): Halfway through its first SEC schedule, Mizzou is still seeking its first SEC win. In lieu of a clever comment and/or link, I will note that an anagram for Gary Pinkel is “pink argyle,” which has to mean something. [INSERT SEXIST JOKE HERE]

13. Auburn (13): Wait, so first Pat Dye says he wouldn’t trade Gene Chizik for 10 Sabans, and now he says Auburn won’t win a single SEC game this season. Senility is an ugly thing, although sometimes funny, too.

14. Kentucky (14): Speaking of teams that won’t win an SEC game, OH HEY BASKETBALL NEWS AIN’T NOBODY CRYIN’ IN LEXINGTON.

I am the online content coordinator for DJournal.com. Previously at the Journal, I covered Mississippi State athletics (2008-13), high schools (2004-08), and was on the copy desk (2002-04). I'm working on a recipe for bacon-flavored coffee, which would solve all the world's problems.

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