SEC Power Rankings: A Very Harry Potter Hallowe’en

Johnthan Banks = Harry Potter. (Photo by Brad Locke)

Hallowe’en approacheth (just six days away!), which gives me a great excuse to do a Harry Potter-themed Power Rankings. It has the Bob Carskadon stamp of approval, so it’s legit.

What I’ve done is taken SEC players and coaches and found their Potter character match (with helpful links!). I hate that I found no one to stand in as Severus Snape or Bellatrix LeStrange or Potter’s besties, but at least I got the two main characters nailed down.

(Does this mean I’m a Potter nerd? I guess so, but Bob’s got my back on this.)

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Team (Pvs): Comment

1. Alabama (1): Nick Saban is a dementor. Perhaps he should be a more specific character, but the similarities are too eerie. He’s a mercenary who’s only real loyalty is to himself, and he sucks the happiness from everyone around him, subsisting on their despair and, if they’re not careful, their souls.

2. Florida (2): Will Muschamp is Mad-Eye Moody. Down deep, a good guy who does his job exceptionally well, but he puts up an intimidating veneer and is half-crazy. His eyes never miss a thing.

3. LSU (3): Zach Mettenberger is Prof. Gilderoy Lockhart, a man who has fooled everyone into thinking he’s an elite wizard. He’s done so through memory-altering spells, but eventually he’s exposed once confronted by legitimate threats.

4. South Carolina (4): Steve Spurrier is Albus Dumbledore. I mean, he’s been winning big at SOUTH CAROLINA – talk about brilliant wizardry. Like the Hogwarts headmaster, Spurrier usually comes off as a genteel fellow, but there’s an edge to him. You mess with Albus Spurrier, and you will pay, son.

5. Mississippi State (6): Johnthan Banks is Harry Potter. He wasn’t raised by his aunt and uncle, but by his grandmother. MSU was the only school to go after him in recruiting, but he made an immediate impression as a freshman and has gone on to achieve great fame. Plus, he wears those black-rimmed glasses sometimes. So who’s Voldemort to Banks’ Potter? Urban Meyer, against whom Banks has recorded three of his 16 career interceptions. And like Moldy Voldy, Urbs nearly lost both his career and his life when at the height of his powers, went away for a bit, and is rising again (Tim Tebow is a horcrux). Anyone up for an MSU-Ohio State Sugar Bowl?

6. Texas A&M (7): Johnny Manziel is Cedric Diggory, a super-athletic, handsome and popular fellow who wows his peers with great feats of magic. Then he runs into some real competition and dies.

7. Georgia (5): Mark Richt is Nicolas Flamel, an alchemist whose life expectancy at Georgia has become curiously long. The Sorcerer’s Stone sits on a shelf in Richt’s office, next to pictures of Isaiah Crowell and Joe Cox.

8. Ole Miss (9): Hugh Freeze is Neville Longbottom. He doesn’t look like much, but turns out that the one thing he does well, he does extremely well. Plus, you know, the teeth. (It’s uncanny.)

9. Tennessee (8): I said last week that Derek Dooley is a dementor, but no, he’s actually Barty Crouch Jr. Both are very clean cut and sophisticated (GREAT hair discipline), and both are disappointments to their fathers.

10. Arkansas (10): John L. Smith is a more cheerful Mundungus Fletcher, and he would love if you’d please consider buying this used VCR from him NO CREDIT CHECK.

11. Vanderbilt (11): James Franklin is Firenze the centaur, a creature of great wisdom who condescends to teach mere humans what he knows. He has an uncanny ability to mesmerize even the brightest pupils. Also, Franklin would look magnificent as a centaur.

12. Missouri (12): Gary Pinkel is Frank Bryce, who was just minding his tea and winning in the Big 12 when Missouri decided to move into the SEC, and then next thing he knows weird people are everywhere and whoa there’s a snake. RIP, Gary Pinkel.

13. Auburn (13): Gene Chizik is Lucius Malfoy (minus the flowing blond locks), a man who appears to wield great power but has simply learned how to surround himself with the right people. Only now, those people are abandoning him because, frankly, he doesn’t know what he’s doing and he’s kind of annoying.

14. Kentucky (14): Morgan Newton is Seamus Finnigan, because every time he tries something difficult – a potion, the wingardium leviosa spell, a forward pass – it blows up in his face.

I am the online content coordinator for DJournal.com. Previously at the Journal, I covered Mississippi State athletics (2008-13), high schools (2004-08), and was on the copy desk (2002-04). I'm working on a recipe for bacon-flavored coffee, which would solve all the world's problems.

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Posted in Football
  • axle

    nice

  • AlaDog

    Well Done!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeff.kamykowski.7 Jeff Kamykowski

    Just a reminder … Ohio State has a bowl ban this year.

    • http://twitter.com/bradlocke bradlocke

      Dang, forgot about that. :(

  • DawgInMemphis

    Good stuff BL.

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