I’m glad everyone enjoyed last week’s Harry Potter-themed SEC Power Rankings. There is no theme this week, I’m afraid, but one team did make a big jump in the rankings. Who? Hint: The head coach’s name rhymes with “bark licked.”
Team (Pvs): Comment
1. Alabama (1): Nick Saban is NOT a curmudgeon and doesn’t even know what you mean by that, you little ruffian. Reporters these days! (Looks up curmudgeon. “A bad-tempered or surly person.” Oh. OK then.)
2. Georgia (7): All the offseason attrition was supposed to hurt this team, right? Now the Bulldogs can clinch the East simply by beating Ole Miss and Auburn the next two weeks. Mark Richt loves to troll his critics.
4. LSU (3): Will Alabama’s championship dreams come to die at Tiger Stadium this weekend? No, because Saban doesn’t dream. He goes into a trance and practices astral projection. This is where he renegotiates his contract with Satan.
5. South Carolina (4): With his top running back out for the year, Steve Spurrier continues to take jabs at Clemson. He also thinks Alabama could beat an NFL team. Spurrier is quickly transitioning from everyone’s lovable, funny uncle to everyone’s senile uncle who needs to be told when to shut up and go home already.
6. Texas A&M (6): Johnny —FOOTBALL— Manziel went as Scooby Doo for Halloween and found himself in the company of some very attractive ladies. So this is actually a case of ladies chasing tail, right?
7. Mississippi State (5): MSU is going all out for this Texas A&M game, putting #SNOWBOWL12 in the end zone and busting out the all-white uniforms. I hear there might even be fake snow. Saturday’s projected high temperature in Starkville: 82 degrees.
8. Ole Miss (8): The Rebels are just one win from bowl eligibility, and have four games in which to gain that status. Problem is, those games are against Georgia, Vanderbilt, LSU and MSU. I know, the Rebels ought to beat Vandy, but then you remember that the Commodores have won four of the last five meetings. This game is always the MOST SEC Network (né Jefferson Pilot) game.
9. Tennessee (9): DEREK DOOLEY FEARLESSLY DOES THE HOKEY-POKEY ON HIS CRUTCHES AS LARGE FOOTBAWL PLAYERS TUMBLE BY. (I really love the guy holding the cane and the stool.)
10. Vanderbilt (11): Apparently there’s a sign in the Vanderbilt weightroom that says “Vanderbuild.” That’s better than what they had up during the Robbie Caldwell era: “Vanderpbilt.” AMIRITE?
11. Arkansas (10): Lost in Little Rock to Ole Miss.
12. Missouri (12): Mizzou finally won its first SEC game, against Kentucky, and made a T-shirt about it. Even Ole Miss is like, seriously?
13. Auburn (13): Big tilt on the Plains this weekend, as 1-7 Auburn hosts 1-7 New Mexico State. If Spirit – y’all remember Spirit – possesses any sort of intelligence, he will poop on every single person who actually attends this game.
14. Kentucky (14): Rock bottom is losing to Missouri and having them make a T-shirt about it.